CAST (in order of appearance):
VO1-Eric
Elf1- Tommy
Elf 2- Kate
Cop- Eric
Santa-Jeff
Anna Nicole- Jeff
Howard-Tommy
Bobby Trendy- Eric
Commerical Break:
VO2, 3: Kate
Sharon Osbourne-Eric
Ozzy Osbourne-Tommy
Simon-Eric

Props needed:
Presents,Anna padding, Anna Wig
Elf hats, elf aprons,pink fluffy scarfSugarpie dog,
Ozzy Wig, Ozzy Trench, Sharon Skirt

VO1: The E! True Holiday Story of Jesus Christ will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you this special presentation.

The scene opens with two Elves are sitting there making toys.  They start a quick mimed assembly line cheering happily along for a bit until Tommy Elf stubs his thumb and screams cartoonish obscenities.

Kate Elf (KE): what happened!?
Tommy Elf (TE): I stubbed my thumb on this damn machine!
KE: well suck it up and keep working! We have a deadline!
TE: No screw this! I can’t believe OSHA won’t do anything in the north pole!
KE: Stop talking that way! Get back to work before the big guy comes in here!
TE: Screw him too! Wake up Katie Elf! There’s a revolution and we’re not taking it anymore!

SANTA (Offstage): HO HO HO! KE: There… are you happy!? He heard the machines stop! He’s coming and you’re gonna regret it! TE: ya, right, whatever. MUSIC: NIN TE: akkk! No! I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! Santa then enters very brash and snapping whip.

SANTA:   I NEED TOYS MADE! (whip) KEEP WORKING! (whip)

He then comes in and snaps each of them in the back forcing them to work harder.    This goes on for a while until Cops(Eric) bust in! COP: FREEZE MOTHER FROSTER! YOU’RE UNDER ARREST! WE GOT THIS PLACE SURROUNDED! (etc.) SANTA: (suddenly nice) whaaaa? Ohhh, ho ho ho!  What seems to be the problem little boys? Would you like a new bicycle? COP: You’re charged with 25 counts of elf abuse SANTA: whaaaaa?

COP: You’re coming with us, fat boy!
SANTA: argh! Fine! You’ll regret this! Christmas can’t exist without me! (he’s dragged off leaving only the 2 elves alone)
(beat)
ELVES: Yay!!!! (they do happy dance)
KE: (suddenly stops) uh oh.
TE: what?
KE: Christmas is ruined!?
TE: You’re right! We have no one to deliver gifts around the world!
KE: wait, I have an idea…..we need to find someone else!  It’s easy, all we need to do is find someone else who’s fat as hell and isn’t doing anything.
TE: I got it!

MUSIC: ANNA NICOLE SHOW THEME

Scene clears and reforms into Anna’s house. Her lawyer Howard (Tommy) Is sitting in a chair reading a magazine.   Anna then enters.

ANNA: Howard…..did you hear something on the roof?  Tell them to go away!
HOW: No, Anna, I didn’t hear anything.
ANNA: Well go check!  I don’t even know why I have my lawyer hanging around 24/7 anyway!  Why don’t you do something.
HOW: Why don’t I do something? That’s precious….okay, I’ll go see if anyone’s out there. (he gets up and is suddenly caught off guard as the two elves jump out to greet him!)
KE: Hello!
ANNA: helllllll…what the hell!?
KE: We need to see Ms.Anna Nicole Smith
HOW: I’m sorry, we’re not doing autographs or photos today.
KE: We need to see her now!  its an emergency!
ANNA: Howard, why are their hobbits at the door?
KE(she pushes her way past howard): Anna! Anna! We need your help! Long story short, Santa’s been arrested…. And now we need someone to fill his place, otherwise Christmas will never happen!
ANNA: I don’t know anything about no Christmas. Why the hell did you pick me?
KE: What, are you busy with other plans?

(everyone on stage looks around at each other looking for an answer).

HOW: Actually she’ll do it, but she’ll need the north pole to cover all costs and provide transportation.
KE: No problem, you can use Santa’s sleigh…it’s right outside.
ANNA: ugh! I don’t like that sleigh! I want a new one…..Howard, call Bobby Trendy, tell him I need a sleigh now.
HOW: If I must….(he pulls out phone)….ya, Bobby…..
BOB: (comes on in a flourish). Hello Howard, Helllllo Annnnna. I’m here. Thank you for choosing Bobby Trendy Designs, now what luxurious services can we provide for our Anna?

ANNA: They want me to save Christmas, but that sled looks like crap. BOB: Oh yes, its aweful….who brought this here? You lawn gnome thing? ….okay, go, your fired! We’ll take it from here… HOW: Ya, we’re all set….we’ll send you the bills….get out! KE: (as she leaves the stage) we’re counting on you Anna! BOB: So what do you think Anna, you want some pink? How about some pink luxurious feathers…would you like that Anna? HOW: I don’t think it really matters if the sleigh has feathers.

BOB: I don’t think it matters what you think Howard, if Anna is happy then that makes me happy.
HOW: Well, then just make Anna happy so we can make the boys and girls happy and save this Christmas thing.
BOB: well, I don’t appreciate the rush….but if we must. Anna lets go shopping.
ANNA: I can do that.

VO2: Anna Nicole Saves Christmas will be right back right after these messages.
VO3: Coming this Christmas on PSPTV….When Christmas Carolers go Wild!  Witness brave holiday singers bare it all as they hit the doorsteps of today’s hot celebrities!

SNDFX: Doorbell & Carolers

SHARON (Eric) opens door.  Oh look, how sweet….a bloody cute looking group, I’d say…..Oh come look dear… Ozzy….look who’s here!
OZZY (Tommy): whhaaaaa? (mumble mumble)  What the bloody hell is this?  What’s with all the flipping flapjack singing man?

SHARON: oh, I don’t know…Oh, I think I know what they want…I’ll go get the candy….here you go, trick or treat to you too! OZZY: My God, they’re still singing! Quite a (mumble muble) happy bunch aren’t they? SHARON: yes. (they both stop and stare for a beat as the singing continues) OZZY: YA! Rock & Roll!!!!!!! (Sharon joins him flipping them off)

VO3: These Christmas American Idols even stop by Simon Coldwell's crib!

SNDFX: Doorbell & Carolers

SIMON: You call that caroling?  I’m friends with Jesus Christ, and I can assure you…if he heard you sing his tunes like that, he’d become an atheist.   Do you have a church to go to Christmas night? Good, go there…and pray for better vocals, this is Holiday carols, not horror day carols…I’m sorry that Paula actually enjoyed this mess, but that’s what it is!

VO3: When Christmas Carolers go wild….coming this season to PSPTV.
VO2: We now return to Anna Nicole Saves Christmas.

BOB: Anna, you have such wonderful luxurious taste, I am so glad I can help you on this special night pick out all these presents.
ANNA: Howard, did we get all those leather purses from SOHO into this sleigh?
HOW: Yes, they stuffed them all into the sack.

ANNA: Okay, good….let’s go home, This sucks…all these reindeers and I still can’t get laid (starts to gyrate). BOB: Oh Anna!  Do we think we have everything? HOW: gees, Bobby….its bad enough it took us 7 hours waiting for you to add velour pillows to the sleigh and these cheap feathers, we don’t have time to pick up any more stuff. ANNA: Shut up Howard! I like shopping! HOW: Well, I think you have bought enough things to deliver to every boy and girl in the world, so lets go! ANNA: Screw them! I bought all these things for me! BOB: Yes you did. And Bobby Trendy Designs loves working with you Anna.

HOW: But what about Santa? What about the children?
ANNA: I don’t want to….I didn’t drag myself off the couch to shop for no damn child.  Those midgets from the north pole told me to save Christmas, so I did.
BOB: That’s right, you saved Anna’s Christmas.
ANNA: That’s right, if those kids have any problems, they can call the north pole and kiss my ass!
BOB: Merry Christmas Anna.
ANNA: Merry Christmas Bobby Trendy!
HOW: I still get 15% of all transactions!
ANNA: Shut up Howard!
BOB: aren’t you jewish!?

MUSIC: ANNA THEME2 clip
BLACKOUT