Cast:
Judi-Tommy
Charles: Eric
Regis: Jon
Kelly: Kate
Brad: Jeff

VO: Ladies and gentlemen PBS proudly presents the Judi Dench Christmas Extravaganza starring Dame Judi Dench as she welcomes you to her Hollywood from the holidays with a cavalcade of Judi’s  special guests. Now get ready to dench the halls with a ball of follies, please welcome Dame Judi Dench.

JUDI( Tommy):  Hello welcome to my wonderfully prestigious Christmas special.  I am happy to have all my special celebrity guests and yes, even you (gestures to audience)  in my living room for this special holiday!  As you can see, my home is decorated to the highest fashion in hopes that I win the neighborhood winter wonderland award….again.  Yes yes, I have Tinsel and garland…oh yes, Garland, another Judi….how nice, but unlike her Christmas special, we will not be getting sloshed….for that is unlady like!
And speaking of unlady like, I see that my friend has arrived….Hello Charles Nelson Reilly!

CNR:  Hello Judi, lovely Party…I see you got  (takes out card with writing on it) Scott Baio keeping Robert Downey Jr. away from the coke(Judi, interrupts with “yes, Charles, that’s nice”, etc.)…..he can only drink Pepsi. Coke…Cuz he has a drug habit…. Okay, I’m not as smart as Brett Somers….but I am prettier!

JUDI: Oh Charles, I’m so glad you could make it!  We have a lovely, and perhaps saucy, evening planned filled with gift giving, gingerbread baking, and even Christmas Caroling…

CNR: (busts out singing) ohhhh, the weather outside is frightfulllll…..

JUDI: no singing, charles….
Oh this season reminds the time when I met a young Carson Daily, back then he was just Carson Weekly….and oh where we used to put the mistltoe…well years later when he had to return the favor, I went on T-R-L to promote Chocolat, sure they wanted Johny Depp, but I tired that lad out the night before.

BRAD: (interrupts and enters carrying bottles) Ho Ho Ho, Judi…I got the egg nog!

JUDI: Oh Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt everyone!  Oh Brad, Why do you waste your time doing these big Ocean Eleven blockbusters…..I want you to get back to your roots and co-star at Miramax in my upcoming sequel Truffles!  Matt and Ben are always trying to work with me again, and I say…hold your breath…I want Brad!

BRAD:  Well the reason I chose this project was to give back to the style of the original boys. Our fans today need that rat pack charm for today’s generation, not like anyone could be Franky and those boys, when….

JUDI: yes yes, you are much cuter when you don’t talk.
CNR: (singing)Don’t speak….
JUDI: stop singing Charles….Now Brad, just go light a Yule log and head over to the kitchen to baste the Christmas Turkey for all my guests!
(Brad acknowledges and heads over to the oven)
JUDI: Oh Charles, That Brad Pitt and his sweet buttocks is quite a scrumptious tart in that Ocean’s Eleven….oh, it reminds me of when the original movie was shot years and years ago and I was the bar wench of the Rat Pack.  I remember Franky used to call me a dame, and as you know Charles, I was not a dame yet, but rather just a broad as one would say.  Oh, and how you could bounce a quarter off of lil’ Sammy’s pert genitalia….however that lad always looked at me funny. And then Dean Martin, why there wasn’t a time when he wasn’t three sheets to the wind, not like my trousers were ever sober either mind you….which made for such a exsaperious fun romp….not to mention when that nubile young Joey Bishop turned me into his checkmate.
CNR: Hello! King me!
JUDI: Oh yes, Charles…too bad you weren’t there…where were you in those days anyway?
CNR: I was entertaining America….including…..
JUDI: No singing Charles!
BRAD: (yells over) Does your Oven go to 5000, Judi!?
JUDI: No Brad…remember what happened last time you got that hot! Oh, while Brad keeps prepping the Turkey, Let’s open some presents!
CNR: You better not shout, you better not cry….
JUDI: no singing Charles…..oh lookit, over here by my Tree, as you can see it is decorated with all my Oscars hanging so lovely….I see there is a nice little gift, just for me! How nice! (grabs it and runs back over)….oh I wonder what it is (Shakes it, etc.) It’s not even labeled who sent it….how exciting! (opens it up)….oh look! My award winning smile will be even be brighter with these wonderful….Judi Denchers!
Yummy!  How odd…I wonder who gave it to me? (pauses, looks around)
CNR: I’m the Secret Santa!
JUDI: oh Charles! Thank you! (embraces him, etc. CNR just stays staring straight and gives sassy look) That was so nice.
CNR: It was my pleasure….now let me treat the lovely dame further….with a lovely song……
JUDI: ohhhh, Charles…..lookit the time, I’m so sorry friends, but it seems we will not be doing any Christmas songs at all today after all….I wish we were dear Charles, but we can not.
(just then Regis and Kelly enter)
REGIS: Hello Judi! We’re here from New York City!
JUDI: oh! Regis Philbin and Kathy Lee Rippa!
KELLI: I’m Kelly, Kelly Rippa
JUDI: Yes, whatever….you’re just the air fillin another vacuum…
REGIS: I’m sorry we’re late Judi, but as you know I was stuck in NEW YORK CITY taping the special holiday celebrity edition of “Who wants to be a Millionaire”
JUDI: Yes, so sorry Regis I couldn’t make it.
REGIS: I’m sorry Judi, but we didn’t ask you.
KELLI:  I’m not Evil.
JUDI: oh yes, that’s right…don’t invite the dame, you don’t need the ratings….oh wait, yes you do.
KELLI: I’m on Soap Opera’s digest!
JUDI: Oh Regis and Kelli Lee, you’re just in time, would you please join me in entertaining our guests with some Christmas Carols!? (CNR just gives a panic look and spit take)
REGIS: Judi, We’d Love to!
KELLI: I don’t make wal-mart clothes!
(The trio moves close together downstage)
ALL THREE: Ohhhh, Silver Bells, Silver Bells, its Christmas Time in (REGIS:New York!, Rest: The) City….Hear them ring……(Judi then drops out as Regis and Kelli continue)
JUDI: (walking away from them to the audience): Oh thank you, thank you, I shall pick up my Grammy tommorow….it will cover the gap next to my Emmys….Brad, how is the Turkey coming along?
BRAD: I got some propane and It’ll reach 5000 in no time!
REGIS: Brad’s going for 5000!….would you like to phone your friend, but you don’t need to …cuz Regis is here!
KELLY: Regis is always here….I’m not psycho.
(Regis & Kelly go help Brad)
JUDI:  oh Charles, you shouldve been here last Chrismas….I’m sure most of this audience remembers, it was all over the papers.  Brad Pitt was here, and so was Dustin Hoffman, and even Penelope Cruz. Dustin Hoffman got the idea of cooking Christmas Pizzas! And I said ‘oh what a jolly good idea, we can put chestnuts and caviar on it!’ And then Brad Pitt responds “One pizza isn’t gonna feed us all, I want to cook 5000!” So, we all rush into the Kitchen to make them. Me, being a dame, needing her rest, wanted everyone out by 6 O’clock…so we must cook them quick. Then Brad comes up with the idea that we should then just set the oven to 5000 degrees. Dustin responds “definitely 5000, 5000 is good” and I say to him “ohhhh, Dustin, so you like things hot do you dear?”, and he says “Mrs. Dench, are you trying to Seduce me!?” And I rubbed my hand along his thigh, he seemed flustered and runs into the bathroom.  Just at this moment, Tom Cruise comes barreling in thru my kitchen window and pronounces rather heroicly “do not set the oven that high, because it will surely bust a hole in Judi Dench’s living room”. And anyway, I must point out that Ovens do not go to 5000 degrees silly, so let’s try the toaster oven. Delighted at his arrival, I shouted out “Cruise!” and Penelope responded “yes?” and I said “not you dear, Tom!” And then Tom grabbed Penelope and said he wanted to kiss her under Vanilla Skies. And as I witnessed this romance happening all thanks to me, I also pondered aloud “you know, if I did bust a hole into my living room, it would be easier to hold my award winning holidays parties as you see now, with room for the crews!” and then Penelope shouted “yes?” and I said “no, dear Camera crews!”….Just then, we heard a large boom and this whole wall was burst into flames. Now, Charles, you might assume it was the oven…but, see dear Brad Pitt had just spontaneously combusted….again.

CNR: And like all of us, we keep coming for more!

REGIS: Oh no, Brad Pitt’s in the hot seat!

JUDI:  Oh dear, not again! Flames! Flames! I think I see a Flame!

(they all run in panic)

JUDI: oh wait, that’s just you Charles!

BLACKOUT