LOVELINE
Written by Eric Boucher, developed by PSP; Copyright 2002, all rights reserved
(First performed at Capo's, April 5th 2002)
None of the following material may be used or reproduced in any way without prior permission from authors.
WARNING: The following script does contain Adult language, themes, and satire.
CAST
Adam-Eric
Drew-Jon
Ozzy-Tommy
Callers VO-Jeff, Greg, and Kate

MUSIC: Heavy guitar riffs

Adam: Mahalo….I’m Adam Corrola here with Dr.Drew

Drew: Hi everyone

Adam: And you are listening to Loveline….Can’t afford the porn, you can just use your imagination and listen to other people make up problems.

Drew: ya, I’m almost sick of it….I don’t know why we bother keep answering the phone

Adam: Especially since you’re not even a real doctor….are you Drew?

Drew: yes, Adam, yes I am.

Adam: Are you?

Drew: yes

Adam: No kidding, huh…..anyways….yes, Karen in Springfield Mass….you’re on the air…what’s up?

VO (kate): um, ya, hi….I have this problem….when I pee…it sometimes burns….

Adam: Well are you peeing over a fire?

Drew: Well that sounds like an instant problem, definitely an inflamation….

VO: Well here’s the thing…it sorta turns me on.

Adam: ahhhh ha….there ya go…Drew, I just want to hang up on her….

Drew: Okay, Okay, so what’s your question then?

VO: Well, is that normal?

Adam: No its not normal you freak….gees….Drew what’s with these chicks?

Drew: It sound to me that she was probably molested by her father as a child.  Do you have a father figure in your life?

VO: No, I’ve only lived in an all-girl school with only nuns. In fact I’ve never seen a male in person.

Drew: see, there ya go!

Adam: What!? How?

Drew: Okay, so go get some help and take care of your mind first…what your father did to you is holding you back.

Adam: What father? What did I miss?

VO: Wait, that’s not the question….I have one more?

Drew: Okay…..

VO: Am I pregnant?

Drew: (very quick) Yes

Adam: Absolutely……Okay, we have another pre-teen on hold, but first we’d like to welcome tonight’s celebrity guest. He’s a legend and a real good guy….here on loveline, we are lucky to have….Mr.Ozzy Osbourne!

(Ozzy then walks out like an old confused man and sits. He is always very mumbly)

Ozzy: Hello? What is this pregnant father thing!? Where am I?

Adam: Welcome Ozzy. I gotta say…I am a huge fan.

Ozzy: well, ya know….fan, or not…I dontgiveafucdowhatyouwant….

Adam: So, Drew have you seen Ozzy’s new show on MTV?

Drew: no, not yet.

Adam: It’s called the Osbournes….

Ozzy: Oh! That’s me! What dafuckdothe want!?

Adam: and its on the MTV….ya, we used to be on MTV….but its all good…whatever.

Ozzy: that’s right…doornotdoitIdontgiveafuckits all good,heheheh.

Drew: um, Adam…Ozzy needs to watch his language before the FCC gets upset.

Adam: What? Did he say something bad? I can’t tell…..So, Greg in Easthampton ….you’re on loveline and it says you have a rash.

VO (Greg): Hi Adam, I just want to say how much I love the Man Show….I just want to say that, cuz I think you guys are the best.

Adam: ya ya…Thank you. Ya know we love the man show fans, even if Drew never watches it.

Ozzy: What’s this Man Show? Where are the Women? You gotta have the chicks …unless you…well…you….I just love you too Adam….and who is the guy in the glasses…is he here to walk the dog? I don’t want to walk the damn dog, I’m the fuckin prince of darkness.

VO: Oh, and Ozzy…you rock too….I love Black Sabbath.

Adam: ya that’s nice…so Greg…what’s your problem?

VO: I just said…I love the man show and think you guys are cool…perhaps I could appear and show you guys this fart trick I know…

Drew: This is obviously a guy who just wanted to go on the air….obviously molested as a child.

Adam: ya, Greg…what’s the deal? Do you have a rash or not?

VO: Well sorta…its more like a friction burn….see, I love to masturbate…

Adam: ahhh yes, he IS a Man Show fan!

Drew: Okay, so what’s your question.

VO: um….ya, so I like to masturbate…so…um…is that normal?

Adam: Ozzy you wanna take this?

Ozzy: oh sure…..(he then starts to mumble an insane answer)

Drew: And there ya go!

Adam: ya know Drew, these kids playing sausage jockey….its like they’re trying to break my record!

Drew: Well Ozzy stated it very clear just now…so hopefully that helps.

Ozzy: (Then mumbles something about lubing your junk)

Adam: ya know Drew…we’ve said it before…I can’t take these losers….why can’t people just fondle their junk, stay off the drugs, and stop getting molested. Speaking of which…..George from New Rochelle…whatsup?

VO (Jeff as dorky fastfood guy): uhhhh, hello? Hi Adam…I love the Man Show.

Ozzy: (very irate) ya, well this aint it! Get on with it!

Drew: Thank you!

VO: ya, I was molested as a child…

Drew: okay, hold on….I’m getting a hunch here? …Do you like to Masturbate?

VO: uhhhh, sure!

Ozzy: (mumbles something about wackin’ it vs. fucking)

Adam: So, Drew..what do you think?

Drew: I’m not sure….it sounds like a puzzle piece is missing?

Adam: Ya, what’s going on George?

VO: So I was wondering…is that normal?

Drew: No, not at all. Masturbating is never healthy.

VO: What!? Really?

Adam: ya, that’s why I’m a sick bastard!

Ozzy: ya, me too! Rock & Rolllll!!!!!

VO: Oh my God, I think I’m gonna kill myself!

Drew: no, I’m just kidding of course, you’re fine, masturbation is normal.

VO: ohhh okay.

Drew: However, that molested thing….I’d get a second opinion.

Adam: What? You don’t think he was molested?

Drew: no, he’s obviously just saying that for attention.

VO: no, I really was!

Drew: See, kids will do anything to fit in.

Ozzy: (then tries to sincerely offer advice in a mumbling manner mentioning how if you are molested you should tell someone you trust like a priest or a boy scout counselor)

VO: um, Thank you Ozzy!

Ozzy: Rock and Roll, or just wackoff,Idontgiveafuckandthedamnmanshow.

Drew: Okay, you take care of yourself

Adam: and stop the lying! We’ll be back after I spank it in the control room…you’re listening to Loveline.

Ozzy: Where the fuck am I!?

BLACKOUT


Copyright 2002; Phantom Sheep Productions. All rights reserved. May not be used without permission of authors.

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