EZINE          ARCHIVES
OLD NEWS IS STILL GOOD NEWS
JESUS APPEARS ON TONIGHT SHOW 
TO PROMOTE EASTER! 3-30-04
LOS ANGELES, CA- The Son of God himself made a suprise appearance on the Tonight Show recently to promote his upcoming holiday. This yearly event celebrates the feat where Our Savior himself died on the cross only to re-appear and walk again 3 days later! "The part that's amazing is along with all that...the guy even made our sins disappear,"notes magician David Blaine. "I will never be able to compete with that". Blaine later locked himself in a glass cave hovering over Time Square to honor the occassion. 
Leno tried getting Jesus to talk about the latest Mel Gibson movie with no luck proving rumors that He may be more of a Willem Defoe fan after all.  Leno said "It was great that he stopped by. Of course, I guess he's always here...ya know...in spirit...omnipresent God and all...so, airline food sucks, eh!?". 
NBC also announced that Dioneses will be appearing later this week on Conan and is expected to rock with his Bachae band.
WAR ENTERS REPEATS
5-3-04
Apparantly out of new episodes, The Bush Administrative production company has allowed broadcasting outlets such as CNN, Fox, and local affiliates to rerun recent episodes of its wacky adventures in Iraq.  The "Fallujah" season has been repeating every morning with the death of soldiers and car bombings.  No new story line has been planned and it is expected we will suffer more repeats until executives decide how to end the series and rumors of a spin-off being built.


NEWS ALERT:  RUMSFELD CLAIMS "THEY WERE DOIN' THAT PERVETED NAKED STUFF WHEN WE CAPTURED THEM!"

 
Area Citizen Flabbergasted: 
Chain Letter Re-Received (1/26/04)
 Local resident Charles S. Boulander was completely taken off his game this past week when he opened his daily mail.
 “I was going about my normal business, sorting through the mail, you know bills, junk, and other” explained Boulander, “I came to this handwritten envelope with a cute little puppy dog stamp on it, I did not expect to get this blast from my past.”
 The letter inside of the envelope was a chain letter that Boulander was sent almost 15 years earlier.
 “I read the letter half-assed thinking that I might be able to see who sent to me, and the more I read on the more familiar it became” stated Boulander, “Low and behold as I perused the previous recipients, I came across my name with my old address.”
 Believing that this was a sign of some other form or being, Boulander immediately did as the letter instructed him to do. With his address book in hand, he headed down to the local Kinko’s to make 10 copies of the letter, before bad luck would fall on him.
 “At first I thought these letters went away when you reach the age of like 12, however I am now 25, and this came back into my life.”
 The 10 new recipients of the letters were for the most part co-workers of Boulander, who just recently moved a year ago cross-country and really did not know anybody outside of work.
 “Besides giving my fellow co-workers could luck, I figured it would also be a great ice breaker at company functions” insisted Boulander “We all work at an international company, imagine if this letter could bring good luck and peace to the entire world. Why else would I have been sent it twice, I believe that there is a reason for every thing in this world.”
 Upon receive the chain letter in the mail, most of Boulander’s co-workers dismissed it as mere immaturity on his behalf. However, one of Boulander’s supervisors who received the letter was touched by his optimism for achieving world peace and good luck through this letter.
 “To be honest with you, I really did not know exactly who he was until I received this letter, and since Clark, I mean, Charles is on my ladder of success here.” Said Boulander’s Supervisor Brian Burgess.
 With his new outlook on life, Boulander hopes to continue sharing his luck with all of living creatures.
 “I like to think of myself as a modern day Gandhi, or even Jesus, I mean who knows where this once piece of pulp will take me.” -JTB
3-1-04
DEMOCRATS TO NADER: "THANKS ALOT F*#@KER!"
     On Sunday, February 22nd, Ralph Nader threw his hat into the presidential race to a variety of speculation and reactions.  Analysts theorize that if Nader did not run in 2004, Gore would have secured the small number of votes needed to beat George W. Bush.  Several Democratics candiates were on hand to give comments. " What the F#@*! Are you Serious, " said Senator John Kerryat a fund raising bruncheon.  Southern close runner John Edwards stated "F#@*! Him!" on Nightline the following day.  Al Sharpton was quickly ignored by pundits again but managed to release a statement that read "You F#@*!n close minded F#@*! won't let me get my F#@*! point heard!" He later added "I'll be damn if some green party F#@*!n hippie gets more votes than me!".  Nader is expected to followup his loss in November revealing to consumers how much the Bush camp paid for him to run again and finance this cause.
LOTR SWEEP!  NADER TO BLAME!
HOLLYWOOD, CA- In a upset to Seabiscuit fans everywhere, the Lord of the Rings made a clean sweep of the Oscars this year.  Most academy members polled were set to vote against the incumbent Miramax choices until Ralph Nader took out an ad in Variety last month.  With only a few days left in the voting process, several "Seabiscuit" and "Lost in Translation" fans changed their mind for this radical candidate promising to change Hollywood with consumer safe movie concessions in essense splitting the vote and allowing the nerd community to bask in the day their shoeless hero Pete Jackson was allowed to forget the "Feebles".   The accounting firm of PricewaterhouseCoopers is expected to be challenged and recounting chads by within the next few weeks. 
    In a related story, as the Lord of the Rings film swept the Oscars in all categories....Hobbiteer Dominic Monihan returned to sweeping the lobby of his New Zealand Pizza Hut Monday morning.
POLL (1/26/04)
Feel like a nut:  38%
Sometimes you don't: 49%
On Atkins: 13%
SUPERBOWL POLL (2/10/04)
Chinese Throwing Star: 37%
Shiny Tassle: 18%
Tivo Rocks: 45%
POLL (3-1-04)
Fab 4:  34%
Fab 5: 34% 
Jesus:  32%
ST. PATRICK'S POLL (3/30/04)
Who Did you  celebrate with? 
Busch:  35% 
Busch lite: 22% 
Bush twins:  43%
POLL
Yes: 30%
No: 30%
What?: 40%
RACING POLL (5/3/04)
Kentucky Derby: 42%
Indy 500: 46%
Presidential: 2%
MICHAEL JACKSON MAKES GRAND ENTRANCE AT 2004 ARRAIGNMENT AWARDS!
(1/26/04)
LOS ANGELES-The paparazzi and fans were in full swing as Mr.Jackson showed up to court. With a passionate "not-guilty" read from the tele-prompter, the artist showed no patience as the show was already running over from a late start.  Mr.Jackson ended the show with a vehicle roof-top show stopping dance number. It was then off to the after-party where the elite rubbed elbows and other body parts til dawn.   -RRN E gossip columnist, Scooter Skeeter
BUSINESS MAN THROWS AWAY STORE  (1/26/04)
TO PURSUE ACTING
by staff columnist Edward Shay
There is a recent trend among small business owners who decide to star in their own commercials.  For some, its to save production cost....but that idea turned into an insect...and acting bug to be exact for one owner of a local car dealership.
    "I was inspired the first time I saw Bob sing to his discount furniture," notes Bercara Ford manager Tommy Motors. "That is when I knew the small screen needed my talent and my vehicles were ...well, my vehicle to reach stardom".  Motors is his stagename.
    It started with stuttering and bad cue cards the first few month, but soon Mr.Motors was kicking soft shoe routines and singing catchy jingles.
    "Bob tried adding an old dude and that community theater reject lady to compete with our productions....but then the local phone dude scared him off with his hollywood impressions," adds Motors agent, his wife Sally.
   So Western Massachusettes is short one more car dealership as Tommy closed his doors to star in his one man show "Motor Mouth" at City Stage. But do not fret citizens, for a new health club opened up and there is a short bald man itching to be the next Jason Alexander who sings his way into our hearts for "$19.95"
CLASSIFIEDS
"Future Antiques" moved to its new location in downtown Springfield among 5 other traditional Antique stores. "Come visit and experience the difference of tommorow's yesterday!"

Take my Wife...Please!...$20 or b/o!
413-555-1125

Ebay.com  for Sale: starting bid $1.00 NR. Buy it Now-$43 million. 

NEED A DATE?-Raisins looking for a life change. Come visit vines today!

TIX FOR SALE- Hobbits in Concert: Annie Lennox & Enya! 555-LOTR

NOW HIRING-Burglars wanted. Work from someone else's home. 

POLITICS
MOVIE REVIEW: THE PASSION 
By Jeff Boucher, staff reporter
My friend Brian Lepine (PSP tech) had to go see THE PASSION aka "Jesus:the Movie" for a school report, so I decided to tag along. 

It's about 90 minutes of "Hey, there's Jesus...let's go kick his ass". 

The End. 

PS: It also has a great cliffhanger lending itself nicely for a sequel which is expected to be big around Easter.
 

NECKLINE ARCHIVES


Bush allows staff to go on Ricki Lake to discuss 9/11.

.....

Al Franken forgets he's a comedian

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Mars probe sends back first pornographic images.
...

CNN loses track of which middle-east battle is on...shows re-runs.
....

Kasparian Trial makes juror hungry for lost Luigi's Pizza!
...

Black Market closes in honor of Hamas founder mourned.
...

Osama Bin Laden allowed bathroom break before Bush reveals his capture at critical campaign moment.


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Some photos within RRNE are altered from other public sites for the use of parody.

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