NEW AIKEN DIET COUNTING NO
Americans wish their fat was invisible. Move over Dr.Atkin. Move over Subway
and every other restaurant chain trying to cash in on the most retro over-rated
diet craze. There's a new diet in town that this reporter is sure every
fast food chain will gladly sell out to....and Mr.Clay Aiken is the measure
of a man to make it happen.
Proving that sometimes 2nd place is better, Clay is using his positive
image to promote a diet full of androgidous foods. Effeminate dorks
will be able to follow this meal plan to achieve the creepy camera stare
that Mr.Aiken is known for. The "real" American Idol winner, "velvet
stuffed teddy bear" Ruben Studdard also has plans to unveil his diet plan
which consists of Ruben sandwiches...a lot of sandwiches....a whole lot
of sandwiches. Both meal plans are expected to become available within
the next two hours, but to get the details you must text message "EAT"
on your wireless phone.- R.Seecrust
TV REVIEW: From the desk of Web Schwartz
At first when Frank, my boss, gave me this assignment, I was
thrilled. So thrilled in fact that I actually liked Frank for more
than two minutes. After all this is Fat Albert we're talking about,
that roly poly fat man who along with the Cosby Kids taught a generation
of kids the right thing to do in the seventies besides hanging out at Club54.
I rushed home, turned on my T.V., made some popcorn, lit some candles,
and sat down to watch his comeback to television. To
my dismay the show was horrible. First Fat Albert isn't fat anymore,
He is skinny and healthy( after searches on Google I found out he went
on the Atkin's Diet). Second all of the Cosby Kids, except for MushMouth,
have been replaced with popular rappers such as P. Diddy, 50 cent, Jay-Z,and
Nelly and call themselves "The Cosby Posse". Probably the worst part
of this show however is that MushMouth went through some speech therapy
and now has a distinguished British accent. Instead of teaching kids
how to do good , Fat Albert and the Cosby Posse ride around the ghetto
pushing drugs to minors, putting hits out on fellow cartoon rappers and
replacing the lighthearted soul songs from the seventies version with
raps about there bling, hoes, and the man. Now come to
think of it kids, I know why Frank gave me this assignment. He gave
me it as revenge for the Valentine's day office party fiasco. Well
Frank I am not ashamed for calling your wife a @#!%^&#$$@#$ and your
daughter is a whore...I should know first hand! A current episode
of Friends is better than what I just saw! Plus I should have known
better, since after all it was on UPN! Well kiddos, I'm not
that angry because right in front of me as I am typing this right now is
my next assignment. I'll give you a preview of it....my next assignment
is....Kingdom Hospital....KINGDOM HOSPITAL!!!!!! That son of a ..
Well kids I have to wrap things up. I have a little meeting with
Frank I have to arrange. I just hope he doesn't read this.
Oh well this is Web Schwartz signing off from T.V. World! Happy Watching
||Hey Ho kids this is Web Schwartz, RRN's T.V. critic, here to put in
my two cents on the world of television. I would like
to be frank with you for just a moment. "Hi there I'm Frank Lombardi,
Web's obnoxious boss. I have no life and can't take a joke."
Okay,now with that off my chest , your fellow neighborhood television watcher
has just sat through what is perhaps the worst show ever to come on the
air. That is "Fat Albert 2004" on UPN.