EZINE  
2/23/04
QUIZNOS GENETIC TESTING TAKES WRONG TURN
ENFIELD, CT- In an effort to harvest their own natural meats and save production cost, sandwich shop chain Quiznos came upon an unexpected discovery.  Quiznos, also known as "Subway that gets you fat", unveiled to the world last month a secret they could no longer hide. 
After hours of mixing DNA samples of vermin found in their stockroom, Shift Coordinator Marcus Moreau had to tell his manager that the new creatures had taken over the kitchen.  At first, the staff was scared but the tasty toasted subs quickly calmed the savage beasts.
Soon this experiment gone wrong gave the Aflac duck and Gecko some competition as they took to the airwaves in mass rotation. An Alien language that would later be decoded for later commercials rang from these bug-eye hampsters with fangs and soon a nation was entranced. 
Some analysts say the disproportioned eyed may have a hypnotic effect, while other critics claim it is the guitar playing talents of the one in the pirate hat that is hard to resist.
  Apparently great bargains are genetic.  This act of defiance to mother nature stands proudly to world as a great example of cultural acceptance no matter what your appearance or species may be. To further prove this point, Quizno will accept any coupon from around the world as their own to promote tolerance and saving their own printing costs. 
The more talented mutants 
may be spared
A Quizno spokesperson said that all genetic research funding has been put on hold to allocate funds to Mr.Moreau's court costs.  It is expected that they will be back at work soon to clone more mascots as the lifespan of these freaks is expected to be only 3 months.- EKB
2/10/04
Theologians Stumped By Recent Visit
        Although the Holy Bible describes the second coming of Jesus Christ, numerous theologians were baffled by the recent appearance of the Son of God at a local bookstore.
 The savior who rather be called Jesus or J.C. stopped by the Concord branch of Barnes and Noble Bookseller to sign copies of the New Testament for fans and devout followers.
Jesus was eager to meet his fans during a 10 hour meet and greet. It is expected he will return again in 3 days.
“I like to come down and meet the fans every now and then, after all it is them that has kept this book in constant print for almost two thousand years” explained Jesus.
 The line of fans waiting to meet subject of the popular novel, stretched the entire length of the store and continued down the street for close to two miles, according to local authorities, who also express their disapproval for the lack of notice of the appearance.
 “We all knew this was going to be a big deal, but this is more than we could have ever expected”, explained store manager Stu Hardy, “It is definitely a pleasant and welcomed surprise.”
 Although he was only suppose to make an appearance for two to three hours, sources close to Jesus said that he just was overwhelmed and wanted to touch all that came to see him, and ended up staying for close to ten hours. 
 “Jesus really likes to meet his followers, he takes his time with each one, and he does all that is necessary to touch an individual. He however does draw the line when it comes to performing miracles for the sake of a cheap bar trick, he feels it is a waste of his powers and time” Says spokesman Pierre Housatonic
 Devout followers came from all corners of the continental United States, for this once in a lifetime meeting with the spiritual leader.
 “I have read the tales of his adventures for numerous years, he has made me laugh, cry, and really shoot for the stars. He is truly a mentor to myself and my family” said Louis Feldman-Haim, a 45 year old mother of ten, who credits the New Testament for her being able to her recent promotion to door greeter at her local Wal-Mart, in Houston, Texas.
 It is not sure when the Jesus will make another appearance on this planet again, but followers and fans will just have to keep their ears to the grind stone, and to the numerous sighting bulletin boards on the internet for when the meet the messiah again. 

Resident Upset With The Use Of His Name
 SPRINGFIELD-Area resident John Doe is upset with his name being used in everything from how to fill out a form to suspect free crime.
 “When I was young it was cool, but now it is obstructing my life, it is like hearing the same joke over and over again, it is really quite annoying” a frustrated Doe explained.
 Doe is currently collecting signatures, for a petition being sent to the F.B.I. so that they stop using his name and adopt a less used name.  All of Doe’s previous attempts to have the F.B.I. change their practice, have not been successful, he is hoping that if he gets enough support he will able to persuade them.
 “I know I could go and legally change my name, but my name is my identity, why should I have to change, they should change” Doe stated during a petition rally held at the local mall.
 All calls made to the F.B.I. have gone unanswered, so it is unknown at this time how long Doe will have to deal with these cases of mistaken identity. - J.Smith


Local Authorities Use K-9 Helpers In Search

The search continues as the 
K9 unit is ready to doggie paddle
GOSHEN, MA-Acting upon an anonymous tip from their 24-hour hotline, the Goshen Police Department brought in some of their four legged friends to help in their search for the lost continent of Atlantis.“
    At around 9:46 pm, Eastern Standard Time, an operator received an anonymous call from somebody who sounded very much like a person of female gender, stating that they believe that the lost continent of Atlantis is located somewhere in the Olde Man McGee’s woods on the north side of town” Stated Police Chief Barnes during a press conference.
     Police Chief Barnes noted that although many calls are received at the hotline, his cut feeling told him to go with this tips.  To aid with his search of the wooded area the Goshen Police Department has obtained the use of the State Police K-9 Unit.
 “These doggies can smell like nothing I have ever seen before, I have great feeling that these four legged creatures will be able to track down this continent if it is out there.” Explained Chief Barnes to the media.
      The police are using four dogs to cover the 132-acre area believed to contain the lost continent.  The dogs will work in four-hour increments, working with their handlers.  Within the first hour, the dogs uncovered numerous archeological finds.
      “At this time we do not want to speculate on what exactly these artifacts are, however they are definite proof that a once highly advance culture did reside here” noted famed Atlantis expert Dr. Miles Lepine, of the nearby Brooks University.
     The articles in question, do strike similar resemblance to items that we use today, such as automobile tires, disposable drinking containers, and documented accounts of daily occurrences. 
     Scholars the worldwide have gathered in Goshen to be there, when with the help of mans best friend the mystery of this lost civilization will come alive for numerous generations to come.-JTB


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