Phantom Sheep Comedy Productions: Tubby's New Year Resolutions

Tubby's Past Goals and Resolutions
A list compiled by Jeff "Tubby" Boucher (PWS, RRN) and published here
as a promise that he will complete his resolutions!

Goals for: 2002 | 2003 | 2004 | 2005 | 2006 | 2007

GOALS FOR 2002

In the Coming year I wish to accomplish a good portion of this list:

1) Try to lose some weight (done)
2) After I have lost the weight for an extended period of time, i will report it missing to the
proper authorities. (done)
3) Start a Crack/Cocaine addiction (couldnt afford it)
4) See Star Wars Episode II: The Attack Of The Clones (did it a few times)
5) Stimulate my mind by reading more intellectual material, such as Doonesbury.(done)
6) Create a petition to the creators of the Never Ending Story 2, to have the title changed to:
We told you the story never ends (got 3 signatures, thanks mom & dad!)
7) Break my addiction to Crack/Cocaine (ahead of myself.see above)
8) Run for a political office, but slow down only when the security guard tells me to walk (did it)
9) Change my name, Tubby has become synonymous with bad things, from now on i will be
called Big T, Monsieur T, or P. Tibby (done, done, and done)
10) Go to Wal*Mart, ever so often .....even if i have nothing to really get and I am simply
going for the atmosphere of falling prices (duh, done!)
11) Graduate from a college (I did!)
12) Invade the Toy market with my new take on an old favorite: The Not-So Easy Bake
Oven (forgot)
13) I will probably see Episode II again (I did!)
14) Go Bowling (yup)
15) Learn to Sew, that way another department in Wal*Mart will have a more direct
purpose for me (no, but Jeff Tingley did....so I can hang out with him)
16) Eat less, and get off my ass more (this is subject for debate)
17) Increase my hatred towards Dick Clark (done)
18) Go to Anger management classes, that way i will learn how to be the most efficient with
my hostility (not worth the $#$!#$$!$#!!)
19) Write a Movie trilogy parodying the Lord Of The Rings: The first book will be called The
Bobbit. (I ran out of paper)
20) I think i will try to lose some weight again. (I did think about it)

GOALS FOR 2003!
1. Continue on my quest to lose weight.   (yes, the quest continues)
2. Market the dancing Jesus.   (did create a prototype, did not break into the market)
3. Start a line at the Agawam Family Cinemas, waiting for the release of Star Wars Episode
III into the second-run theaters.   (got kicked out)
4. Buy a Dog. (bought a hot dog instead)
5. Start a quest to find the Lost Continent of Atlantis, after I see it's picture on the side of a
milk carton. (quest started)
6. Look at the pictures in a porno magazine, instead of just reading the articles.   (got distracted by damn good articles!)
7. Stun the world with a scientific discovery of a little thing I call gravity.   (no luck)
8. Find true love on-line .... I will probably start looking at amazon.com, and compare
shipping and handling rates.   (denied account)
9. Return the dog to the store after it pisses all over the house. (not a problem)
10. Contemplate why Burger King used to say "Your way, right away", when my way is to sit
down and have a slow casual meal.   (discovered Wendy's)
11. Spend more time with my Uncle Willy. (yes, I did...in the bathroom!)
12. Star in a Movie that even Rob Schneider would turn down. (not possible)
13.Use the phrase, "Oh good, enough space for me to whip my s**t out!" at least once a week.   (worked for a couple weeks then someone whipped it out on me)
14. Bring back wacky catch phrases from the past, my favorites are "where's the beef?",
"show me the money", and "less cream, more filling". (mission accomplished)
15. Return crazy Uncle Willy back to the nursing home, after he pisses all over
the house. (stays in bathroom)
16. Petition to have The Naked Gun Trilogy, entered into the Library of Congress as the
greatest set of films ever recorded on celluloid.   (still awaiting 23500 signatures. Thank you Leslie Nielson)
17. Have a talk show that is on so late, that my main competition is morning news, and
re-runs of Full House.   (cancelled and replaced with Jimmy Kimmel Live)
18. Binge drink on all even number days. (accomplished and made up for missed days on odd number days)
19. Blame the manufacturer of my mattress for my obese appearance (i.e. me being fat). Sue
for millions of dollars because its comfort prohibited me from me getting off my ass.   (would require me to get off my ass)
20. Hire Bruce Vilanch to write my resolutions for 2004.   (rejected his 3rd draft....will have to write my own!)

As of now this is only peliminary list, I do reserve the right to add and/or subtract from this
list as time passes. Thank you all for reading my resolutions, and I hope your resolutions
reach for stars as well.
-Jeff

Goals for 2004

IE: in 2003....
20. Hire Bruce Vilanch to write my resolutions for 2004.
(rejected his 3rd draft....will have to write my own! Here they are....)

In the Coming year I wish to accomplish a good portion of this list:

1) Pick up where I left off on my never-ending quest to lose some weight (well I did say it was never ending)
2) Be the 3rd person to watch Gigli (Affleck is da bomb) (does it count if you are all 3 to watch Gigli?)
3) Get engaged (did it)
4) Go back to some form of schooling (kicked it old school)
5) Wait at least six month to tell my family about the engagement. (forgot)
6) Be on the "Price is Right" (did it, actually just got nuteured)
7) Tell my fiancée about the engagement within six months after breaking the news to my family. (yes?)
8) Wear a hard hat every time that I go to Wal*Mart, due to all the falling prices. (Safety First!) (did it)
9) Start an environmental campaign to prevent deforestation by "watering trees". Use this as defense for public indecency charges. (did it, didnt work)
10) Start a probe into why there is a sequel to Dirty Dancing, I mean didn’t they say it all in the first one, “Nobody puts baby in the corner!”. (found out it wasnt a sequel but rather an artistic retelling. Baby wasnt put in corner and the world is still safe)
11) Find out where in the world, Carmen Sandiego has been all these years. (on my commodor 64)
12) Come up with a way that is universal, when it comes to spelling the word that illustrates a homo-sapien manor of releasing built up gaseous matter. (i.e. farting)
13) Start a gambling habit (odds of happening 5:2000) (do I have to stop)
14) Disprove the saying, “You are what you eat”. Because most vegetarians are very active, and less like a vegetable. (done)
15) Support the Red Sox as they once again battle for a World Series title (done....holy shit this one worked! Ya Sox! )
16) Start a rival donut shop to Krispy Kreme, I shall call it Crusty A La Crème (both lost tremendous stock)
17) Reconcile with my lost weight (still won't call)
18) Pass myself off as the guy who was inside the costume of Boskk (a reptilian bounty hunter from The Empire Strike Back, 1980) at Star Wars Conventions (they beat me...off, I mean out of the center)
19) Try to discover gold in my backyard (I did try)
20) Only use Duracell batteries, because that is what Bon Jovi uses (they died, like his album sales)

As of now this is only peliminary list, I do reserve the right to add and/or subtract from this list as time passes. Thank you all for reading my resolutions, and I hope your resolutions reach for stars as well.

-Jeff

Goals for 2005

1. Lose Weight
2. Become a motivational Speaker, by lip-syncing to famous people’s uplifting speeches
3. See Star Wars Episode III (accomplished this several times)
4. Develop a case of acid reflux after a motivational speech goes wrong
5. Refer to Hooters Restraunt as the new “Golden Arches” (didnt stick)
6. End up getting divorced after I refuse to pay the shipping and handling on my mail order bride.
7. Support the Red Sox as they once again battle for another World Series title
8. Move into my own house. (instead working on taking over my parent's. Got rid of brother)
9. Get out of situations with the catchy excuse of “I would love to…..but I have the S**ts!’ (yes sir, it works!)
10. Set up an oil well in my back yard (conflicts with water well in front yard)
11. Find out how sausage is truly made (I am an expert now in handling sausage)
12. In my quest to lose weight, cut down to ordering one dollar menu, instead of my normal three
13. Start a garage band (Drummer got run over when I parked van)
14. Stop posing for inappropriate photos dressed as Santa Clause (inappropriate is a matter of taste)
15. Become a vegetarian after I find out how sausage is made (still love the sausage)
16. Get inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (way easier than you'd think)
17. Start the exploratory committee, in case I ever decide to run for a political office.
18. See Star Wars Episode III again (*wookie roar*)
19. Develop a liking for Turkey Jerky (I turkey jerked too much sausage)
20. Get thrown out of “my house” after the real residents return from their vacation. (thanks mom!)
21. Find out how much wood could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood. (about 3.75)

As of now this is only peliminary list, I do reserve the right to add and/or subtract from this list as time passes. Thank you all for reading my resolutions, and I hope your resolutions reach for stars as well.
I keep it real, and so should you.
-Jeff

Goals for 2006
1. Lose weight
2. Educate the public on the many uses of bendy straws
3. Find out what exactly “Git R Done” means
4. Stop whoring myself out for candy
5. Shock the world with the alternate ending to Dirty Dancing (1987), where it okay for Baby to be in the corner.
6. Begin my emergency response to the Gulf Coast
7. Illegally wire tap my neighbors, because I suspect them of wanting to steal my lawn ornaments
8. Lobby Congress to make my birthday a national holiday
9. Sell my ENRON stock
10. Unveil that Big Foot does exist, and that he has been living in my basement
11. Start a line at the record store for the new Guns and Roses CD
12. Practice safe sex, I will begin to wear a rubber glove
13. Spend time with the less fortunate, and help M.C. Hammer with his job skills
14. Come out of the closest…after I find that damn elusive shirt I have been looking for
15. Travel across the country, I sorry I meant county…California is much too far
16. Appeal a ruling from Judge Judy to the Supreme Court
17. Profess my love for Wal-Mart by jumping on my couch
18. Go to Wal-Mart to buy a new couch
19. To be determined at a later date
20. Be a guest on Dr. Phil

Goals for 2007
1. Once again attempt to lose weight ( after 10 years I think I stand a chance this year)
2. Start a line at the record store for the new Guns and Roses CD (hopefully it will actually be released this year, rock and roll bitches, rock and roll)
3. Produce the sequel to the Dustin “Screech” Diamond porno “Screeched” and title it “Saved by his B*lls”
4. Negotiate a better deal with Howie Mandel, after I win 1 Million Dollars.
5. Get a pet rock
6. Start a slow clap
7. Go on a wacky cross country adventure
8. Train my pet rock to do more than sit and stay
9. Create an alter ego named “Jeffrey”
10. Figure out a way to have the Red Sox pay me over $100 Million dollars to throw a fricken ball.
11. Inform that the world that Elvis is still alive and is living in a trailer in my backyard
12. Develop a MySpace account so bad that “Tom” won’t even be my friend
13. Change the New Hampshire slogan of “Live Free or Die” to more friendly “Hey we are next to Vermont, ya dig”
14. Accuse a priest of “getting up in my grill” while taking communion.
15. Escape from a prison
16. Shut Rosie O’Donnell the f*%k up.
17. Post a video of myself doing something stupid on YouTube.
18. Discover how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop
19. Return all of Britney Spears panties to her.
20. Procrastinate making any further resolutions until next year.

As of now this is only peliminary list, I do reserve the right to add and/or subtract from this list as time passes. Thank you all for reading my resolutions, and I hope your resolutions reach for the stars as well.
I keep it real, and so should you.
-Jeff

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